'73 Prophecies

      Good evening!!! This is Debbie Henley, Ralph G. Hudson, Kathi Brisco, Debbie Stevenson, Richie Poe, Pam Elam, and Elva Terry bringing you the H.H.S. News from Washington, D.C. There has just been a news bulletin that Harrison High School has released the Prophecies of the outstanding class of '73. Now for the news of the future ...
      Speaking of bad news first, we're sorry to say that Becky Jones (alias Bones, Legs, and Chicken Wire) flunked out of modeling school because her mouth was too big for an 8 x 10! No sweat, folks, our very own dentists--Joe Bowers and Larry Keener--are attempting to wire her mouth shut. But according to Bob Echols, news director of the Pepsi Review, it's an impossible dream.
      On the brighter side, now, the Family of the Year Award was given to Terry, Linda, and Jon Clayton English by Governor Garland Hale, last Saturday afternoon at 2:00 p.m.
      Speaking of politics, Beth Hammerschmidt, Democratic candidate for President, has spoken out in favor of releasing Candy Amyx who was imprisoned for indecent exposure.
      While we're on the subject of exposures, yesterday Dr. Michael Cole received multiple fractures and bruises while trying to seduce consecutively, eighteen women who were standing in a supermarket check-out line. When the women collectively started beating him to death with loaves of bread, Dr. Cole went berserk, screaming, "I LOVE IT, I LOVE IT."
      A new medical building was dedicated in Harrison today for doctors Ralph Hudson and Richie Poe. Funny ... I didn't know Harrison needed so many gynecologists .. and better yet, Brenda Bell is the only nurse. Don't worry though, Brenda says everything is coming along just fine.
      Dr. Paul Oxenrider's receptionist, Susan Everett, reported today that the doctor will perform the first fingernail transplant on Kathy Williams, assisted by registered nurses, Fredia Taylor and Sandra Davis. Pam Grinder is delivering one yellow dandelion from Donna Magness's flower shop.
      TIME OUT!! TIME OUT!! for this station break. Don't miss the Newlywed Game this afternoon at 2:30 Central Time, with hostess Verlie McCutcheon. Your favorite contestants will appear on the show--Judy [Martin] and Clark Trantham, Debbie [Moore] and Larry Harp, Debbie and Billy Lovell, Connie [Flippo?] and Don Trublood, and OJ and Jo Jo!!!
      Now back to the news. The police department has been pretty busy the last 15 minutes. They just busted Sexy Lexy and his mannequins in the basement of Monkey Wards. Capt. "Delbert" Danny Watts with his siren Andy McCutcheon dangling from the hood of the police car, sent out a search crew of Curtis Pangle, Rick Thornton, John Watts, Jim Terminella, and Jerry Pederson, in hope of finding Charles Roberts, Roy Schultz, Dwayne Sutton, and Randy Cutburth, who were last seen two blocks away from Herb Van Deven's house in a lonely, deserted Bat Cave. Hey!! Whose twelve gauge shotgun is that? Well, we may never know.
      But what we do know is that Mayor Elaine Ashley's house is being redecorated by Vicki Widner and Janet Smith who have started interior decorating as a profession and a little bookkeeping on the side. The house will be designed with privacy, comfort, and beauty in mind.
      Mayor Ashley announced today several new additions to the city of Harrison: on the corner of Prospect and Cherry is Denny Leuellen, who has accepted the job as the Rosy Red Stop Light blinking traffic in and around the second addition which is--Kevin Carter's mouth that will be used as a bomb shelter during periods of nuclear warfare for Harrison and all the surrounding counties.
      But even a target as big as Kevin's mouth was missed when Randy Musgrave and Dean Monday tried to drive into it. It does not look as though they will ever learn. Jackie Green couldn't teach them, so she gave up her teaching career to moonlight as a gypsy fortune teller. I hear that she predicts tennis to be honored at the Olympics. Karen Adams and Lana Scroggins will play singles, and Debbie Henley and Becky Martin will play doubles. The U.S.A. will surely run off with the gold medal!
      Another addition to Harrison is "Tuck" [Thomas] Tolliver, the owner of his very own St. Bernard farm. He seems to possess a natural ability for this business. And directly across the street from him is a new wig mart, operated by Elva Terry, who will have a sale of Cherry-red wigs and pony tails. Her first customer, Jackie Welytok McCutcheon, has just placed an order for a cherry red pony tail for her dog, Red, a beautiful Irish Setter.
      Mary Fleenor, Betty Crocker Homemaker, and the Galloping Gourmet, will give a special demonstration on how to prepare Spradlin eggs. [Mike] Jay Bird Fuller and Robin Smith discovered them lurking in the halls of HHS.
      Mary Benton has become a very successful commercial artist, illustrating Paul Taylor as the new Pillsbury Do-Do Boy.
      Linda Dickey is now a mechanic for the AKL fraternity. She can be seen riding around in Bill's monogrammed creeper.
      And still yet, another star was born, Joe Morris. He has taken Doc Severenson's place on the Johnny Carson Show, with announcers being Steve Lee and Becky Stobaugh, who stay on top of the news. For instance:
      Brenda Stone McNew, co-author of "How to Make a Marriage Work," has just opened up a marriage counseling clinic. Their first customers being Pat Brown and Cindy, Brenda Stowe and Robin, and Glen and Nancy Woodruff.
      TIME OUT!! TIME OUT!! For another station break ... The Ozark Mall has a great sale for the month of May. Just listen:
      Brenda Henderson is having a sale on dresses especially designed for squirrelly sophomores.
      Rita Hollingsworth is having a sale on laugh boxes! It seems to be an unforgettable laugh.
      Eileen Hunt and Bill Shaddox are your friendly pharmacists who will offer you friendly service at a reasonable price.
      And oh, yes ... Mike Dodson will be in the nursery selling dogwood trees.
      Now back to the news: I'm happy to report that an exciting new three ring circus will be coming to town tomorrow. Featuring Nita Grinder and her faithful dog Roscoe; Debi Russell, the sword swallower. (Her career started when she first swallowed a straight pin in Home Ec.). Jim Tilley and Cheryl Ramsey have a fantastic show!! He is a very talented one-man-show, and she draws the crowd from miles around.
      Jeanie McCauley, Becky Phillips, and Susan Taylor have a very exciting act, twirling the fire tipped batons on the twenty foot high wire.
      Speaking of high and wirey; Harrison is launching its first space craft: designed by Dan Hawkins, winner of the Nobel Prize for his scientific achievements; piloted by Mark Sims, who'll keep them on a straight course; Becky Talburt, the doctor who is efficient, female, and wise; Terry Young, the technician; and Captain Cheryl Holder, who can put them at ease when things start going rough.
      Lynn Gray, president of the Harrison Jaycees, says the launch is to be a failure, because the launch is set at the same time as Coach Wray's presentation of a new play called "Marlan Brando," starring Mike Terpening! The crew couldn't miss that!
      It seems as though a lost and found case was reported today. Argie Duncan, the iceman at the Jonesboro Ramada Inn, is looking for Paula, who never showed up. She must be one that got away, but T.S. says, "Hello Lover."
      Jackie Mathis and Richie Arnold have been caught undoing distributor caps, doughing cars, and sending people pornography through the mail. Be on the look-out for these two.
      Jim Short, multi-millionaire, is being charged with tax evasion. If you don't understand this, just ask Joann Hawkins or Kathy Parker--they were wondering what was going on and asked, "Who? What? When? Why? How? Where? I don't understand!"
      Velton Sims, our new fire chief, assisted by Mike Hinkle, was called out for an emergency. Ginger Allen noticed a blazing red fire in the sky. When the firemen arrived, they found it was only Eddie Snow, Carol Wilson, and Lu Colliver, just sitting in the corner having a chit-chat. But all that red attracted attention. Too bad Kevin McCorkindale had his mouth amputated, or he really could have a time.
      Fay Young has earned the job of Dean of Women at the State College of Arkansas. Danny Roth has become internationally famous for his vivacious salesmanship of clothing.
      And now for an on-the-spot interview. When asked the question, "How is married life?", Brenda Moore replied, "Just great! Just great!"
      News FLASH!! -- Coppertone's public relations manager, Anna Sue Johnson, has just released information that Malia Harden will take Flip Wilson's position as the Coppertone billboard model, as of this summer.
      TIME OUT!!! TIME OUT!!! And now for a commercial.
      Be sure to watch "All in the Barnyard" [Mark] Billings. Today's guest speaker is Stephen Duck, speaking on the subject, "Every Season is Duck Season." You Betcha!
      And NOW ... News in Foreign Fields.
      England ... Barbara Bennett is quite famous these days as a prima ballerina. She is holding audience for Richard Allard and Queen Elizabeth.
      China ... After graduating from the Kung Fu University in China Town, China, Tommy Greenhaw, David Strickland, Duane Sutton, Mike Ervin, and Tommy Everett are returning by way of Dan Garrison's Motor Freight to the States for a little rest and relaxation.
      Tahiti ... Mrs. McCoy was recently seen lying on the sunny beaches of Tahiti, in a bikini, drinking coconut milk.
      Australia ... The National Kangaroo Rodeo Queen is Pam Elam. Representing Boone County for steer wrestling is Ricky Brasel. We saw Dorothy Martin, Mary Stewart, and Vickie Bohannon running helter-skelter through the poppy fields. The next time we saw them, they were stopped at the border by Federal officers, James Green and Mike Hankins. They are now serving a life sentence in the Dogpatch Penal Colony.
      Germany ... We have just received word that the International Airline Flight from the U.S.A. to Germany has been hijacked by Johnny Brown, Arlis Battenfield, and Ricky Stewart, and they are now holding three stewardesses, who are Danielle Harness, Joyce Journagan, and Kathy Sexton. There is no cause for alarm, however. Mari Alice Watkins Phillips, U.S. ambassador to Germany, has been put in charge. She assigned Brenda Eidson Smith, who came to Germany when her husband, Don, was appointed head basketball coach at Berlin University, to the job of recapturing the plane.
      Spain ... Sugar Bear's press secretary, John E. Crow, issued a statement that Jil Gregg will be the Public Relations secretary for La Luz for the next 29 years, because she did so well on the Spanish pages in the annual in 1973.
      And for the sports news. Tim McCutcheon has become a very famous D.J. ... playing all of his broken records.
      Smilin' Donny Gredell, veteran of the Harlem Globe Trotters, says the turning point of the game was when the referee, Mike Brown, called 239 technicals on him for tying his famous blue basketball shoes. The coach, Jerry Pledger, couldn't understand this, unless this turning point was caused when Lynn King lost her tingle. In previous games ... if she had the tingle, the Goblins had the game.
      Manager, Greg Carlton, has succeeded in turning out the best player of the year in pro-baseball, Joe Grogan, alias Gopher.
      Winner in the Kentucky Derby this year was "Beautiful Voice" trainer Kathy Voise--with her sensuous light weight jockey, Annette Borland. This was their prized 2-year-old.
      Well, that about raps it up today for the latest news. Now for a closing comment, "IN THE END THERE WILL NEVER BE A GREATER CLASS THAN '73."